Yes, you better believe this...

So the other day when I was tuning in to channel 71, there was this particular song that I never thought could best describe how I feel about my life right now. Funny though, coz the album was out about few years back and I only realized the significance of the song now. Hehehe…well, the lyric goes like this...

SICK CYCLE CAROUSEL (Life House)

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine

if it had a home would it be my eyes

would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this

so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this for good

well I never thought I'd end up here never

thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to change this mind

you better believe that I have tried to beat this

so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this

sick cycle carousel

this is a sick cycle yeah

sick cycle carousel

this is a sick cycle yeah

so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this for good

so when will this end it goes on and on

over and over and over again

keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop

till I step down from this for good

sick cycle carousel

sick cycle carousel

sick cycle carousel

sick cycle carousel

I never knew the meaning of this song from the writer’s/singer’s point of view. But can my life be described any better than this?? This is the best version so far. …so when will this end...it goes on and on…over and over and over again…keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop…till I step down from this for good…my journey so far has met with various obstacles. The ones that can be avoided, I did just that. And others that need to be dealt with, I just go ahead. The outcomes of each & every obstacles?? PRICELESS!! Along the way I’ve been…Down-hearted. Sad. Broken-hearted. Depressed. Bitter. Angry. Frustrated. Losing hope.

But as I said, those feelings are priceless & I will never stop remembering each and every moment that I’ve gone through with those emotions. I just hope that those emotions will be able to make me a better person; to be more accommodating, and patient…After all, what’s life without turbulence here and there, right?

But after my so called soul-searching trip the other day, I still could not come up with a definite, concrete plan about what ELSE to do. Hmmmm…

Are there too many choices?

Are there too many possibilities?

Are there too many outcomes?

Are there too many what ifs?

Or, am I just thinking too much??!!

Will I be able to carry out any of the plans that I have in mind?

Will I be able to make sacrifices?

Do I have the determination?

Do I have the guts?

Am I scared?

Am I really losing hope..

… I tried to climb your steps…I tried to chase you down…I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground…I tried to earn my way…I tried to change this mind…you better believe that I have tried to beat this…

Yes, you better believe that I have tried to beat this!!!

Of Greed and Sacrifices...

macam serius jak post kali tok. tapi sebenarnya sik juak serius, ringan jak, sik perlu banyak berpikir. tok isu yang selalu juak terbayang-bayang di fikiran aku. hasil buah fikiran aku juak lah kiranya,hehehe.

how do we define greed?

according to wikipedia...Greed is the selfish desire for or pursuit of money, wealth, food, or other possessions, especially when this denies the same goods to others. It is generally considered a vice, and is one of the seven deadly sins in Catholicism. (aku baru tauk!!!)(People who do not view unconstrained acquisitiveness as a vice will generally use a word other than greed, which has strong negative connotations.)Some desire to increase one's wealth is nearly universal and acceptable in any culture, but this simple want is not considered greed. Greed is the extreme form of this desire, especially where one desires things simply for the sake of owning them. Greed may entail acquiring material possessions at the expense of another person's welfare (for example, a father buying himself a new car rather than fix the roof of his family's home) or otherwise reflect flawed priorities.

Coveting another person's goods is usually called envy, a word commonly confused with jealousy. The two words denote opposite forms of greed. We may envy and wish to have the possessions or qualities of another, but we jealously guard the possessions or qualities we believe we have and refuse to share these with others. Greed for food or drink, combined with excessive indulgence in them, is called gluttony. Excessive greed for and indulgence in sex is called lust, although this term no longer carries as negative connotations as it once did.Greed is sometimes represented by the frog.A woodcut by Ugo da Carpi, is entitled "Hercules Chasing Avarice from the Temple of the Muses." [1]. Thomas Aquinas metaphorically described the sin of Avarice as "Mammon being carried up from Hell by a wolf, coming to inflame the human heart with Greed".Proponents of laissez-faire capitalism sometimes argue that greed should not be considered a negative trait and should instead be embraced, as they claim that greed is a profoundly benevolent force in human affairs, as well as a necessary foundation for the capitalist system. Critics have argued this definition confuses greed with self-interest, which can be benign.

...ish ish ish..panjang juak penerangan for a simple 5 letter word_G.R.E.E.D_now, kenak la tiba-tiba aku terpikir pasal perkataan ya? Well, my week started with the news of quite a number of people getting the desired news of the century(d.n.o.t.c)! (at least in my small, isolated, little world!!) pasya, mulalah berita-berita atau kabar-kabar angin merebak..fuh!!macam bush fire yang kenak tiup angin…angin puting beliung mind you! Anyway, a friend who happens to be one of the fortunate ones (bless you!!) was telling me her ordeal. The moment the news spread like wild fire, numerous people came to see her and said many things…’im gonna get *48 earlier than you’…’see, I don’t have to get masters to have my paycheck the same as yours’…’perempuan tak gi jauh punye lah’…those were some of the many many more comments that she had to endure for the rest of the week.

Then there were also others that weren’t too happy when there were those whom they don’t like got the d.n.o.t.c. macam-macamla cerita yag keluar / terbit lepas ya. Tapi mun dipikir-pikir, aku pun sik brapa senang juak nangga ‘orang-orang’ yang aku rasa lagik hampeh dari aku.hehehe, don’t get me wrong…tok hanya pandangan dari seorang yang sikda professional training!! Dari segi kerjala, bukan dari segi personal. Kerja aku bukan main di kutuk nya, tapi kerja nya ya apa lah??bak kata sorang gik member..telefonis..kekekekekkk….goyang kaki, baca buku. Tapi apa salah baca buku nak? Apa salah dapat d.n.o.t.c nak? Regardless of whether they deserve it or not, it’s not in my capacity to judge,rite? So who to blame lah? The powers that be lah…haiya..senang juak benda yang nampak macam susah tok. Tapi mun dah sampe turn aku kelak, HAMPEH!!! iboh pikir banyak-banyak lah…syukur dengan apa yang aku ada & SIKDA!!
Mun aku betul-betul maok juak dengan apa yang orang lain ada, mesti aku dah berusaha dari dolok gik nak?? Tapi kenak la aku sik juak start-start? Malas kah aku tok? Atau saja jak sik mok piker ke depan? Tapi aku tok jenis yang selalu juak piker benda-benda yang aku maok polah di masa depan. Sebagai contoh, adakah aku maok polah kerja tok juak dalam tempoh masa 5 tahun gik? 10 years from now? Or until I retire? Ataupun, aku maok tukar….

Bukan aku sik pernah usaha untuk mengubah masa depan aku. Ada ku polah. Many many times before…but what was the outcome…I’m still here, doing what I’ve been doing for the past 4½ years..any regrets? Ummm….

But I’ve realized that I’ve learned a lot… SERIUS BANYAK!!..dalam beberapa tahun tok. I’ve seen how people can put my hopes down. Many instances, many times. I’ve also seen how prejudice can be imparted. Lelah lah mun mok taip banyak-banyak pasal hal-hal macam tok. Sik abis cerita kelak. Mun rilek-rilek minum kopi / teh sambil kelakar hal tok ok juak.
Jadi apa lah perancangan masa depan aku? Aku berik masa pada dirik aku pun sampe hujung tahun tok la..agik soul searching..gine-gine pun, 2008 is a year where I must be prepared to take up any challenges!! God, please grant me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change…….2007 is like a honeymoon year for me..banyak gilak benda/ hal yang lagging. Aku pun dah sik larat macam tok jak. Sik sanggup gue!!

And what about sacrifices??? Those who did many sacrifices to get d.n.o.t.c patut dipujilah..sik kisahla apa benda yang dah disacrifice ya. Tapi berbaloi sik sacrifice ya, nya jak yang tauk. Tapi ada juak yang sacrifice hal-hal yang sik patut..macm friendships, relationships…arghh!!! Pedulikan orang lain. Aku yang paling penting dalam hidup aku kan?? Hehehe….

Me : sacrifice???

Me : greed???

Bulak la mun aku padah sik pernah polah. Tapi to what extent?

Do sacrifices only when it will bring new meaning into my life…and treat greed with humility..don’t get carried away…

Of Smeagol and Heroes…

“..pre..ciousss…..my prreciouss..”. Who would ever forget the catchy phrase uttered by the ever famous Smeagol of LOTR II & III. I would always think of him as somewhat of a unique character, in a weird way, cute, hehe. I saw the movie again last week on TV2 just a few nights before Merdeka. And I was treated with the showing of LOTR III just this Wednesday night. Too bad I miss the first one. Anyway, the introduction of Smeagol in the second movie was to help Frodo and Sam find their way to Mordor. He was portrayed as someone who was engulfed or too overwhelmed by the dark power of the ring that he was willing to do just about anything to get it back. Only in the third movie that we were shown how his being skinny and pathetic Gollum started. He even killed his fishing friend over the ring. What was it about the ring that it was able to mesmerise almost everyone? The power? The strength? The influence? Or just the shining bit? Hehehe.

What captured my attention was the fact that Smeagol had at times dual personality—one that was willing to help Frodo & Sam find their way; and one that tried to make him betray the dynamic duo and just take the precious item of all -- THE RING!! – Time and time again he tried to chase the demon side of him away, trusting that Frodo will take care of him (I think so!) with him frequently calling Frodo as ‘Master’. But my lack of understanding of the story is further illustrated as I’ve never read the book (due to the minuscule font size!) and my understanding and explanation given here might not do justice to the story as I am only interpreting Smeagol’s role base on the movie. I understand that he was almost all the time a miserable chap, and by having the ring with him all the time he felt that he will be whole again and will never need anyone or anything in his life to make it complete!

From the movie based on a storybook, I would like to cross over to a TV series based on nothing spectacularly written by anyone previously, just the script written by the scriptwriters during the 21st century – HEROES. Here we have the one that will heal after being wounded in every other way possible; the one who could fly; the one who could stop time; the one who could draw the future; the one who could do the mind reading; the one who could pick up just any skills from the others and manifests those powers as his own. Aahh, but there’s THE ONE who intrigued me the most. Which kinda remind me of Smeagol -- the one with the other sister -- she was supposed to be wayyy stronger after the other sister takes over the body. Familiar rite? Not the taking over body though but the part where there are 2 personalities in 1 body.

Here is something that I found in a book recently…

…Personality disorder - is characterized by patterns of perceiving, reacting and relating that are relatively inflexible and socially maladaptive…
…Dissociative identity disorder - formerly called multiple personality disorder, two or more identities or personalities alternate…

When the other sister took over the body, did it make the newly ‘transformed’ her a hero? By killing others who are threatening her family members, can that reason justify the act? I can see one thing similar between Smeagol & the 2 sisters – they needed something that will be able to reflect their image so that we as viewers would be able to see the reflection of the other person inside them. And how would we see the other person inside of us? By looking inside a mirror too?

By looking back from where I stand now, I noticed that I am no better than Smeagol or the hero character. There’s another side of me that I always keep to myself. The side that requires no one else but me myself and I. And when do I show this side of me? …when mum needs teman to the market…when sis wants me to buy something for her… when my bro and any of my cousins are around me…when dad comments on something…when very good friends are with me…when I am all alone…

And when don’t I want to see but I have no other choice but to see the other side of other people…on the road…office…shops…life itself…most of the time, mean ones. But usually out of this world. And how do I manage my own life with so many split personalities around me?? Maybe I should give those ‘colourful’ characters a ring each, so that their attention will be concentrated on the ring only and my life will be less dramatic due to their antics, hehehe…what a wishful thinking!!

Am I not being myself when I act differently to different people? Only when it comes to being rude or nice.. I will still eat in front of other people when I’m hungry; I will still laugh out loud when someone tells me a joke, yes, even in public; I will still be myself in many other instances, the only difference will only be in the intensity of being myself, hehe..